Wednesday, April 8, 2015

You know you've been in Vietnam too long when:


Vietnamese lady drivers in differing weather conditions
You know you've been in Vietnam too long when:
  • You think it’s normal to have a beer at 9:00 a.m
  • You begin to enjoy VN TV programs
  • You look both ways before crossing a one way street
  • You realize that ALL your problems are caused by Vietnam girls or cranky ATM's
  • You put salt, chilli and Fish sauce on your fruit
  • A Vietnam cop stops you for a minor infraction and you automatically reach for your wallet
  • You think that a Honda Civic is a prestigious car
  • All your tee-shirts are emblazoned with the name of some bar
  • You can’t remember the last time you wore a suit and tie
  • You think a polo shirt and jeans are formal attire
  • Someone tells you that watching VN politics is like watching two chameleons making love, and you understand the analogy
  • You aren’t upset when the bar girl next to you eats Dog and Fish Sauce as a snack
  • Later the same night, you actually kiss the bar girl who earlier dined on the Dog and Fish Sauce
  • You haven’t had a solid stool for five years
  • You wake up in the morning and realize that you have nowhere to go and all day to get there
  • You think white wine goes well with with anything
  • You understand when your VN wife says, ‘My friend you’ or ‘Same, same, but different’
  • A VN bar girl you’ve just met tells you that her mother is deathly ill and you just laugh and walk away
- You realize that your Vietnamese wife’s loyalties belong to:
1. Her parents2. Her brats from a previous marriage to a Vietnamese scoundrel who deserted her
3. Any remaining blood relatives
4. The family buffalo
5. The family’s goldfish
6. You
  • The Vietnam Navy buys a new submarine and you’re not surprised when the first thing they do is remove the mufflers and hang da VN flag from the rear view mirror
  • You consider your mobile phone a fashion accessory
  • You start wearing flip flops everywhere
  • You start driving cars with bare feet
  • You become an expert on buying and selling gold jewelry
  • Dogs become animals you'd rather kick than pet
  • When driving a car you'll start using every free inch of the road
  • You flash your 4 indicator lights when driving straight on at an intersection
  • It’s two days before payday, so you only go to Bia Hoi on the corner
  • You believe that buying a gold chain is an acceptable courtship ritual, or at least a form of foreplay
  • You think a calendar more useful than a watch
  • You stand in the shadow of a telephone pole while waiting for a bus
  • You can't remember the last time you had a dry fart
  • You think putting ice in red wine is normal
  • You phone home and talk like a retard
  • You don't care or know what day of the week it is
  • You think 15kb's of upload speed is quite fast
  • You begin to think you actually are a 'Hansum Man'
  • You automatically without thinking swear in Vietnamese
  • You have a Vietnam nickname (Monkey)
  • You own a CD compilation with Gangnam Style at the top of the pile
  • You sit in a bar in Saigon surrounded by half naked girls and you just want to watch the golf on the small screen in the corner
  • You avoid walking under fruit laden coconut palms
  • You avoid looking into a girls eyes longer than 3 seconds
  • Your hotel lets you in accompanied by 2 or 3 girls after paying a surcharge and you think it is normal
  • You know where to buy booze no matter where you are
  • You realize your whisky and soda is rum based
  • You accept 5 on a motorbike when shopping is normal
  • You accept builders clambering up bamboo scaffolding with no boots or helmets
  • You count the number of passengers embarking on a ferry
  • You automatically get green tea to accompany your coffee and dont bat an eyelid
  • Pedestrian crossings mean nothing
  • Nothing surprises you and things are not always what they seem
  • You realize Vietnam logic does not tally with Western logic
  • You don’t believe anything they tell you!

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